Revelatory rant

I’m going to try something new. Baring my soul here; because I need to. No lovely pictures, no call to action, just venting. But I do hope that you might learn something or gain some insight about yourself….

My own healing goes hand-in-hand with the healing I try to bring to my clients. I learn how to “work with” myself by working with my clients, and I learn how to work with my clients by working with and on myself.

So, here’s what I learned recently and what may resonate with some of you.

I have spent most of my adult life untangling my relationship with my mother. I have realized that on a subconscious level, she wanted me to fix her. She thought that a girl child could unlock her heart. She soon realized, though, that that wouldn’t work. She was too fearful to connect; what was comfortable for her was to detach. Because that desire was never articulated, it took me a while to understand it. I did understand it, as a child, on a subconscious level however. I felt like what my mother needed from me was for me to be silent, to disappear. So I disappeared. I’ve spent a lot of my life treating myself like my mother treated me — subliminally silencing myself, or shaming myself for having feelings and desires.

What I do with my clients and what I tried with myself recently was this; instead of shaming my own wounded child, I listened to her. Instead of treating my subconscious urgings as the enemy, I dialogued with it. What I realized was that my shaming part (the part of me that sounds like my shaming mother), is, and has been care-taking my mother! I have internaized my mother/daughter dynamic inside myself. I have an inner little sad little girl and I have an internal mother that silences that sad little girl.

I now FEEL the love and compassion I felt for my mother, that unfortunately drove me to negate myself in an attempt to comfort her. Sacrificing myself to save my mother? A Christ-complex?

What will help me going forward will be to know myself as a deeply empathetic and loving person, not as a dysfunctional, self-censoring, stuck person. To empathize with myself, know that I loved and wanted to heal my mother. I will stop blaming myself for shunning myself; I have shunned myself (subconsciously) to please my mother. How loving (but sad) is that?