Celebrate the Darkness (and Light)

"Both light and shadow are the dance of Love." ~ Rumi

I've highlighted my logo photograph to illustrate the value of darkness. Aren't the shadows lovely? They draw me in. I want to dwell in them! They dance with the shell. They seem to caress the curves and lines. They define the curves and lines. Imagine this shell with no shadows.....

This is how I see people. Your shadows draw me in! I confess I want to dwell in them ;) And they are rich in potential. A person with no Shadow ....who would that be?

Enjoy the dark (and lights) of this season. And come show me your Shadow :)

Be Yourself (ves)

"Don’t just be yourself, be all of your selves." ~ Joss Whedon

Let's listen to our inner wounded one, our inner Queen/King, even our inner critic.
Be yourself! We're all good!

And may your Best Self preside over the
domain of You with compassion and wisdom.

Befriending Demons and Dragons

"Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once, beautiful and brave.  Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something that needs our love."  Rainer Maria Rilke

Let’s talk about demons and dragons.  What are the dragons in your life?  Who are the demons?  We all have parts of ourselves that we are not proud of. How do we deal with these parts? Do we challenge our demons, shun them, or embrace them?  Do we slay our dragons or do they slay us?

Our Exiles

Maybe what seem like demons are repressed feelings or exiled parts of ourselves. We all have a part or parts of us that we imprison. This part could be a wounded inner child, or angry feelings, or a shameful memory. We hide those unwanted feelings or parts in a dark place. Unfortunately, the darker the dungeon, the angrier or more lonely or more ashamed they become. The spurned feelings get stronger.  Once we get to know them, however, they don’t seem so threatening. If we attend to them, talk to them, they calm down and stop yelling. We can open the door, let them out, and find that they can actually be quite civil after a nice tea-time chat.

Exiles Reconsidered

Maybe these feelings or parts are like histamine.  Histamine helps our bodies fight off pathogens like cold viruses, causing us to feel sick. Our noses run, we develop a fever, we feel run down. We don’t like the histamine, the mucus in our nose, the fever, but they are our helpers. Similarly, our inner critic tries to protect us by criticizing us. He or she may believe that criticism prevents us from getting into trouble; if we feel shame about an act, we will probably refrain. How about our inner child? He or she may throw a tantrum, wanting attention, rest, or love. Our Shadow is another part of us that feels like a threat. But when we shun our Shadow, we project it onto others and lose a potentially valuable part of ourselves.

Kissing Frogs

Our immune system, our Shadow, our inner child, our critic; all may make us feel sick, but it it a love-sickness; the phlegm, the criticism, the walling off don’t feel good, but they are our body’s and psyche’s attempt to heal or protect us. So perhaps what seem like demons and dragons are hexed princes. When we embrace our inner critic, tend to our wounded inner child, love each part of ourselves, the demons, like the kissed frog, become princes.

Jung said it first :-) -- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvgmyaSTosg

Can Psychotherapy Feel Good?

Can psychotherapy feel good?   Or is psychotherapy all about swimming in the muck of shameful impulses?  “Getting help”  has come to mean exhibiting one’s dysfunction in front of a stranger.   What if there was another way to think of psychotherapy?  I believe that psychotherapy can feel good.  It may sometimes even be fun -- and maybe it’s more effective when it’s fun.

Freud and Shame

What are the origins of this aversion to psychotherapy?  Let’s go back 100 years or so.  Remember Sigmund Freud?  It seems that we as a culture can’t forget him.  And we shouldn’t.  But we may want to question some of his biases.  At the root of Freud’s theory is the idea that our Id -- our impulsive, untamed “inner bad-boy” (or girl), is continuously in conflict with our Superego; our conscience. We wish we could get rid of our mom and marry our dad, and we feel miserable because our superego tells us No.  Our desires and drives get us into trouble.  In this worldview the human condition is fundamentally unworkable.  We experience a never-ending conflict between what we want to do and what we “should” do.  What would a therapy session be like in which the therapist perceives the human condition as unworkable?  What would it be like to talk to a therapist who believes that he has to fix you?  How would the therapist interact with a client whom he/she believes is inherently dysfunctional?  I’ll call this psychotherapist Therapist 1.

Our Parts Love Us

Now imagine a therapy session in which the therapist believes that the human psyche is innately functional, maybe even sacred.  This therapist (Therapist 2), believes that our impulses are good.  She may ascribe to the Internal Family Systems model -- a model that identifies “subpersonalities” that help us cope.  She knows that all our subpersonalities or “parts” want the best for us, that each part is valuable and lovable. What Freudians call the Id, Therapist 2 might call an inner child.  What Freudians call the Superego, this therapist might call a taskmaster.  Therapist 2 would listen to the inner child, hear out the taskmaster, call on the inner nurturer, bring forth the Wise Self. She might encourage the inner parent to calm the child.  She might listen while the Wise Self counsels the taskmaster. Therapist 2 would facilitate a dialogue among parts, knowing that all want the best for their person. In other words, our inner wisdom, under the right circumstances, (and sometimes with a little nudging), can gracefully ease us towards health.  Humans are not inherently neurotic. We are inherently wise. Healers like Therapist 2 can help us access that wisdom and honor each part of ourselves. That kind of therapy session feels good!

Comparison

Here’s an analogy that might help.  Most of you have probably received a massage.  As psychotherapy aims to improve psyche functioning,  massage therapy aims to improve body functioning.  Using the model of two hypothetical massage sessions is a good way to compare the two psychotherapy approaches described above.  Massage Therapist 1 believes that bodies can’t self-regulate.  She may bully the body in order to bring it to her vision of health.  Massage Therapist 2 believes that bodies have inner wisdom and the capacity to self-heal.  She will approach the client gently and respectfully.  She may give a little boost to the body’s self-healing ability.  Massage Therapist 1 would probably (unintentionally) inflict pain, while Massage Therapist 2 would playfully partner with the body to facilitate equilibrium.